duminică, 24 februarie 2013

Letting you go

I wanted to write this a long time ago, but I never had the will, the strength and the courage to do so until now. Honestly! I wanted to write each and every word without exception and to let out all the thoughts as they poured from my mind like a violent torrent every time I thought about you...but I couldn't! Why should I, when all is lost for me like it is lost for you? YOU are lost to me so what is the point in all of this now that everything is gone?! At first I thought I should forget about writing what I feel about all that it has happened between us, having no wish to see it in front of me in written words. It was to painful then to read about my own naivety. What am I saying? Naivety? It was a damn stupid thing, but it didn't seemed so at that time when I meet you and for some reason I don't think it seemed stupid to you either. As far as I remember, we bought let ourselves carried away, but that is just me...I don't know about you and I guess I'll never find out. So let's be clear about one thing: this is MY SIDE OF THE STORY and I don't pretend it to be the only one or the right one, it's just MINE! I don't even pretend you or anyone else to believe a word of what I'm saying. I was going to say next that "you are dead to me and like all dead people you are not entitled to an opinion", but I find it difficult to believe you will ever read this anyway. And if I once hoped so, now that hope is gone along with you.

Terrible thing indeed to have the last shred of hope striped away from you! I wonder if you ever had the feeling that a piece from your heart is cut out slowly with a blunt heated knife and then replaced with a hot coal that never stops from burning inside you? That is how I felt when I finely understood that you are not coming back... I so much want to believe you are cruel and foul, that you do not have any feelings at all and that you never had, but in my foolish pride I want to think that at least at first you cared about me, even though you didn't knew how to show it in that short time we had together. I know! It would be easier to make you look like a demon, when in fact you're just a human, even though at times I would argue with that too - all things being considered. But that is not my way, not the way I was thought to fallow, not the way I chose to fallow! And even though the sound of my soul hitting the bottom of this dark pit you pushed me in might be so loud that would make me deaf to all reason, I'm still able to choose as I did when I have chosen you, blinded by so many things. So, deaf or blind, it makes no difference as long as I have the will to be better then that. So no M., I wont stoop so low in making me believe you are The Devil, even though you do wear Prada or something similar enough. In any case, it is to much of a hassle and a waste of time to bother making you look worst in my mind then you probably are in reality. First, because it wont last unless I think about you all the time and about all the hurt and the pain, about all the wrong you did and all the right you could have done, and that will never happen...not in this life...NOT IN MY LIFE! Second, it is the matter of me lying myself without having anymore proof of you being as bad as I want to believe and I don't deal well with lies, not even with my own. And by all means, the third and the most important thing of all is that in the end you're not the only one to blame for what happened. I do carry some of that responsibility, that is the reason why I wanted to make right by you after a while when I understood I was to harsh with you, with bought of us when I decided to cut you out from my life completely, but you must understand I couldn't bear to see you whenever you wished or had the time and know I couldn't be with you as we were before. That would have meant my end and I needed to be free like any other person who deserves to be free of his or hers tormentor. After all that, I tried to reach out to you twice and you couldn't care less, which makes me think my decision then...became yours now.

Which brings me to the one classical question: Why? How could you when all I wanted was you, when all I dreamed about was you, when at last I thought I found THE IDEAL ONE!? It is so painful to go back six months ago and remember the days and the nights, the struggle and the torment, the words that have been said and the deeds that have been done, the smiles and the dreams, THE ILLUSIONS! My heart was shattered in a million pieces, my hole world collapsed on top of me and my mind started screaming so loud "I TOLD YOU SO! I TOLD YOU SO! WHY DIDN'T YOU LISTEN TO ME?! I TOLD YOU SO!" that I had no escape anymore. I felt like my soul was living me and I feared I'll remain nothing but an empty shell. Luckily, I didn't ran empty of feelings! What sticked with me was the anger and the rage that kept me floating like a drifting boat on an endless see of sorrow. Thankfully, some previous experiences with people like you shined like some guiding stars on the sky with a kind of light that only a blind man like me could see. So yes  M., at first I was blinded by your outer beauty and deafened by the sweet words you told me in those days so that afterwards to be blinded by your smile wile you were deafening me again with the sentence that I will never forget: "I want to be just friends!". My mind still can not comprehend how in the world could you possibly think that I could do that, that I will accept that, that I will want that when I tried so much to open my heart to you, already bleeding when we first meet and you said the exact opposite thing: "I want to be with you Michael! I want you!!".

Ohhh, dear God! I just read the entire conversation we had that night and I remember like it was yesterday! All you said, all those things and the entire time we spent together, the happiness and the tears that we bought shed, or so I like to believe for I have seen none from you. I don't deny the fact that you might have suffered just as I did, I don't deny the fact that you had a glimpse of courage when I was with all my being against us getting together because my instinct told me so, but in the end your fear was greater then me, your fear was greater then mine, in the end you lost all your courage for nothing and my instinct was fatefully right. And I thought I was the one that was afraid when in fact you were the greatest coward that I ever meet until this very day! You were afraid to love, to love me, that is the truth, my truth and the only truth that I have. For I know I'm not perfect, I know I make mistakes, I know I can be difficult to handle and quick tempered when it comes to certain things, but I also know that I deserved your love, which failed to show her face to me shadowed by your fear, your pride and your immaturity and this is not my fault! How could you? You have chosen to ignore your own words, your own feelings because we had a fight? No...it wasn't that, and I know it! In the end, it was your own fear of being left alone by your family, by your so called friends who will never understand you like I did, by me. ME? You wanted to be the one to put an end to it all, even though that meant to break your word and to do exactly what you were afraid I will do to you, even though that meant to break my heart, to shatter my trust, to kill my hope and to destroy my spirit. You cared for nothing but yourself and for your precious way of life, and all you told me was nothing but what you wanted to be: the lies of someone who was so scared of ones self that it had to hid behind a beautiful ILLUSION and in doing so dragged me in carelessly!

I'm not an idiot, you know? I never expected you to love me from the start, I never expected you to understand me, given the situation! I knew you wont be able to, the truth is that I saw that in your eyes, but I wanted to believe it can be real. I couldn't understand at that time what I was seeing in those brown and beautiful eyes, but now I know it was fear. Hidden thoughts and unreal expectations for someone like me who dared to put his soul on a plate and show it to you LIKE IT IS and not like you wanted it to be, not like you expected it to be. You weren't able to appreciate that kind of honesty and for that I am so very sorry! This reminds me of a a story that I once read, a long time ago, about a young man who traveled from town to town and showed his heart to people. One day he stopped in the center of a great town and started telling people that he has the most perfect heart from all the land. Not long after, around him gathered a crowed that started admiring his heart and agreed it was indeed perfect. You couldn't see a mark on his heart, not a scratch. Yes, they all agreed it was the most perfect heart that they ever saw. The young man was very proud about his heart and didn't stopped bragging with it. When suddenly, from the crowed approached an old man. With a calm voice he spoked like for himself: "- However, his heart's perfection can not compare with the beauty of my heart." The people that were gathered there turned there eyes to the old man's heart. It was a strong heart, which beats could be heard from afar. But it was fool of scars, places were pieces from it were replaced with others that didn't matched quite entirely, the merging lines between the other pieces and the heart being sinuous, even thorny. More then that, from place to place entire pieces of the heart were missing leaving wide opened wounds, still bleeding. "- How can he say he has a more beautiful heart", whispered the people surprised. The young man, after carefully examining the old man's heart, raised his eyes and said laughing: "- You must be joking you old man. Look at my heart, it is perfect while yours is all but wounds, tears and pain." "- Yes", said the old man, "your heart looks perfect, but I would never change my heart with yours. You see, each scar from my heart represents a person to which I gave my love; I break a piece from my heart and I give it to the person beside me, which often gives me in return a piece from his/her heart that fits in the place left empty from my heart. But because the pieces aren't measured by millimeter, thorny edges are left behind that I cherish greatly because they remind me of the love that I shared with the one next to me. Sometimes I offered pieces from my heart to people who gave me nothing in return, not even a small piece from their heart. This are the opened wounds from my heart, the black holes, for loving those around you always involves a certain risk. And even though this wounds are still bleeding and hurt, they remind me of the love I have for this people too and who knows, they might come back one day and fill the holes with pieces from their hearts. Do you understand now my dear boy which is the true beauty of the heart?", ended with a mild voice and a warm smile the old man. The young man stood beside him with tears running on his cheeks. He approached the old man with shyness, he broke a piece of his perfect heart and he gave it to old man with shaking hands. The old man took the boy's piece of heart and put it in his own and then broke a piece himself and gave it to the boy in return. The young man took the piece and fit it in his heart and looked at it: it wasn't perfect anymore, but it was more beautiful then ever, because in his once perfect heart he could fell the love of the one who shared with him a wonderful gift. The two smiled to one another and went to search another town were they could show their not so perfect but beautiful hearts and teach people that it is sad to walk the road of life with a whole heart in your chest, a perfect one, but without any beauty.

There are so many other things to be said, so many other things to be done, an entire universe that never came to be except in our minds (if not in yours, at least in mine). That is, I think, the greatest pain that I must endure for I fell like we cut down a tree before it had the chance to grow strong and I see no fairness in that. We had the seed and we bought took the chance to plant it, you just were to afraid it might overshadow you and take over your life as you knew it and I see no courage in that. You know, "courage is not the absence of fear, but rather the judgment that something else is more important then fear." - Ambrose Red Moon. And if that is not enough, learn that "courage is doing what you're afraid to do. There can be no courage unless you're scared." - Eddie Rickenbacker. And despite it all, I am happy I meet you M., that I came to care about you, that I wanted to love you even though that chance ceased to exist after a very short while. And most of all I'm deeply grateful to God for giving me the strength and courage to act on my heart's desires even though that left it bleeding with a piece from it in your playful hands. So yes, I am proud I had the will, the faith and the hope to overcome the fears I had regarding you and everything that you meant for me. I will always remember you and all that was between us, the good and the bad, but most of all I will always remember your courage, even though you lost it.

I don't know if you will ever think about this things or if you already had done so in those dark and cold nights that my instinct tells me you had to go through, I don't know if you will ever understand all of this things, I don't know if you will ever grow up and realize that what we bought lost we might never get it back and if by any miracle - that I very much doubt - manage to do so, it will cost us greatly, especially time. There are so many other things that I do not know including the feelings that I have for you, but what I do know is that I have to LET YOU GO! I HAVE TO LET YOU GO M. NO MATTER HOW MUCH IT HURTS! No matter all the talks and all the nights, all the feelings and all the hopes, no matter me, no matter you, I must let you go with the most honest hope that you do find the love that will make you whole, the happiness that you deserve and the courage to accept them as they are no matter what the risk, for as the old man from the story says, there is no greater sadness then to live with a perfect heart without the beauty that love brings. Or, as J. K. Rowling put it so well in the words of Albus P. W. B. Dumbledore from her last book "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows""Do not pity the dead. Pity the leaving, and, above all, those who live without love.". I would hate to pity you M. M. R., I truly would and that would cause me even a greater sorrow then the feelings I had for you that left a hole in my heart.

With a smile from a man you once knew, your memory shall endure even though you didn't! You shall forever remain the memory of what it was and the dream of what it could have been: MY ILLUSION!

Best wishes,
Mihai Hretu.